Do something useful, you great lump

I feel like a lump. Because I'm an ill person... again!!!

Nah, I don't think it's the swine flu. It's probably just a cold. But the annoying thing is that we're on the cusp a seriously busy project at work. So trust me to start falling ill right at the beginning. It happened on the last major project I worked on too. Was knocked out for a week.

Blargh. It's so boring. It makes me feel flat and unanimated. I just can't be arsed to do anything so I sit here in my pyjamas feeling useless, bored and poo. I've been thinking about starting my book but I just can't seem to get there. It's not formed. It's not clear in my mind yet, and it has to be. I have to start making some decisions about the people, the characters, the names. And try not to think about Harry Potter at all when I'm writing it.

That's my big fear. That I have what I think is a great idea and I'll put pen to paper and somehow it'll either be complete rubbish or I'll Potterise it. I don't want to. I was writing stories and had an imagination from the get-go, but Harry has been such a big part of my creative brain that I'm wondering whether I know too much, somehow.

I suppose it's just about picking up a pen and just starting to build MY world the way I want it. be blind and ignorant. Get swallowed up. I'm good at that. I'm quite an obsessive person, I think.

Right then, where's my notepad?

What I would say to my younger self

Things are just a bit all over the place at the moment. I'm frustrated and a bit annoyed at the way my life seems to be heading.

Yes, I have some extra money in the bank and I'm keeping the wolf from the door, but it's all a bit...plain. I always thought I'd be doing really interesting, unique things with my life when I left school.

I often wonder what my 16 or 18-year-old self would say if she could see me now. At 26, I work in a pretty solid corporate job. I'm writing thought, that's a good start. But I feel like a slightly overweight, somewhat dull, unimaginative plain jane that's not achieiving all the things she wanted to achieve in her 20s.

When I was at school, I truly felt like the world was my oyster. I was a good (pretty much) straight-A student. I was in lots of clubs, societies, had a social life, had lots of friends, two best friends, a little Saturday job to help my pay for myself, and a LOT of wishes, hopes and dreams for the future. You're probably puking all over your keyboard right now, but that was how I felt. Like I had a lot of potential.

But at 26, I feel slightly beaten. I've got debt. I've lost people close to me. I feel like life is passing me by and I'm missing a multitude of opportunities (what those opportunities are exactly, I don't know). I'm a bit tied down because I chose to have loads of animals, so relocating isn't really an option right now. I don't feel like I can leave my family here and move somewhere else just because of the way things are. My friends have moved on, and they're not really my friends anymore, because too much time has passed. I don't have any best friends. I am with the love of my life, though.

My 16 year old self would look at me and be disappointed that she's not really made anything of herself yet. She'd think I was a real dag. She'd be wondering why she didn't exercise more or wear better clothes. She'd wonder why I wasn't a bit happier and more carefree. She'd be pleased that I'm still a vegetarian, and still into wildlife and the environment. She'd be even more pleased that I'm with the same guy that she'll meet in little over a year, and fall in love with.

If I were to talk to my 16 year old self, I would tell her to take a chance and go to uni like she planned; don't put it off because she'll regret it. She'll regret waiting to take a course that was a let down, that landed her with even more debt. I'd tell her to find a job that makes her really happy; to trust the boy that she'll meet in a year or so because he's a really good egg and despite what she thinks at first, he's not going anywhere. I'd tell her that everything she values and those deep-down thoughts she has about life, the universe and everything will hold her in good stead.

I'd tell her to value every minute she has with her grandparents, even though she will anyway. I'd ask her to drop Art at A-Level, because it'll be a total hash and ultimately prove useless and a waste of her time. I'd encourage her to pick up a Harry Potter book, because the stories, the politics, the craft of the storytelling and the road that it leads her down will make her feel so good. I'll tell her to exercise because she'll need to stay strong so she doesn't have to put up with years of having a crap back.

***

But what I keep forgetting is that I'm only 26; that despite the fact that I feel like I'm under pressure to reach certain goals, to start a family and to have all these life experiences by a certain time, I'm still essentially a young person.

So why haven't I felt young in such a long time?

I Like It

Everytime I lose one of my hens, it's like a little bit of me goes with them. I get it back, but for a while I just feel this loss.

With all my hen-related problems, I've come to realise that although I put myself through heartbreak and stress, I just love having them here. I can't imagine what it'll be like without them. We're going to have a break, but I feel so strongly that keeping hens has become such a big part of my life, that I'm not prepared to let it go.

Despite everything we've endured with the hens, Rich is still happy for us to eventually have some more. I don't know what will happen with Yoko; I try not to think about it and hope that I just deal with whatever the outcome is.

My life has changed a lot in the past couple of years. I feel like I'm settling into myself a bit more, I can see how things may pan out. With all the bad, stressful and upsetting things that have gone on in my life in the last three or four years, together with Rich at my side, my henkeeping (although, at times, the root cause!), my vegetable growing, my look towards a more self-sufficient life has kept me grounded and kept me going in a way. It takes away all the fluff from life and just is what it is. It kind of keeps you in touch with life cycles, makes you realise that things happen, and you just have to find your way through. I've always said it's like a therapy, and I continue to believe that.

This probably sounds ridiculous to a lot of people, but I don't care. Of course I'd like some glitz, glamour and excitement in my life. But I also need that stability and calming influence, otherwise I think I'd probably go potty. It's good for me, and I know it. And that's partly why I'm going to keep going with it. I don't know what the future holds, where I'll be living in five years, where I'll be working, whether I will have fulfilled any of my ambitions, whether they're family or career-orientated. But I think I know is that I'll still be growing things, looking after hens and my other animals. Because that's what I do. And that's part of who I am now. And I like it.

Explanation of Absence

OK OK OK. I KNOW. I've been incredibly slow in updating this blog. But I do have my reasons, honest.

Firstly, after a major lull of work over the Christmas period - just when I needed the extra cash - it seems to have picked up to a regular sort of 'chugging' pace. That's been keeping me a little busy, although admittedly I could always work harder.

The second thing that's been keeping me away is a little less defined. Since just after Christmas it seems as though all the problems and stresses that I'd been trying to neatly pack away into the back of my mind came rushing to the fore. I don't know what triggered it. It started to become apparent after I had a massive back spasm that saw me shuffling around for a few days. I think the amalgamation of the pain and stress of that just opened the floodgates that allowed everything else to just...happen. Lots of anxiety. Lots of emotion. It was difficult and horrible. But I kind of just had to let it happen because I felt like I had to let a lot of things go and move on. I'd been so focused on trying to leave 2008 behind that it'd almost had the opposite effect. I don't think I'd been allowing myself to grieve properly either. I'd kind of got into this mode of being the 'strong one', trying to take responsibility to ensuring everyone else was in order and OK, and thinking that I'd just be alright.

And I know I will be alright. I feel like I'm getting past it and now I just want to focus on getting back to my old self. Fun, laughter, sillyness, always having a million projects on the go. Just being less intense about all the serious life stuff. I've even rallied with two of my old school friends in throwing some musical escapades together because I've missed singing and being in a band so much. It's about being proactive and, I suppose, doing what Nannie would have always wanted me to do.

I think a lot of last year was lost and I definitely want to try to achieve much more this year. I have SO many unfinished projects and plans for the Smallest Smallholding. We might get a couple more chickens to add to the flock because we just don't know how long Yoko has, bless her little soul. There's a tonne of work to be done on the house, I need to get my backside in gear and push ahead with my writing and freelance work, my websites and finally learn how to use a digital camera and sewing machine properly!

Someone once said to me something along the lines of ... "Lucy, there are two types of people in this world, thinkers and do-ers. And you're the latter". Well, I've been thinking far too much. It's time to start DOING, BEING, and ENJOYING. And other verbs.

Social Media Networking - Could it work for you?

I realise it's been over a month since I last posted here, but I have been a little more regular over at the Smallest Smallholding.

I suppose part of the reason that I haven't posted is that for a while, I was really REALLY busy! I had a final push in getting all the copy written up for a website I was working on. But since then, there seems to be some pre-Christmas hiatus and just when I need that extra injection of cash, nobody wants to bite.

So I've decided to try and expand my horizons and do a bit of networking in cyberspace. Beyond the realms of MySpace and Facebook are websites such as LinkedIn (which, for some reason in my head I always want to call Lindelkin) where you can upload your professional profile. The idea is that you connect with others and build up a network of professional contacts, as well as reconnecting with past contacts, colleagues and friends. You can also give and receive recommendations; I guess this is a play on professional and character references. LinkedIn is probably the 21st century answer to the business luncheon. Quicker, less small talk, and most likely a little more brutal. But ultimately, I think it's a good thing. I've signed up anyway.

Then there's Twitter. Twitter, for me, has worked on a few different levels. I can follow an eclectic mix of like-minded people (read: Harry Potter obsessives, wrock enthusiasts, good lifers, writers and online marketing strategists), get updates on websites that I follow (Pottercast, Vlogbrothers etc.) or just general cultural commentary. So in that sense, there's a lot of potential for both social and professional networking, all rolled into one. You just need to tailor your posts and put in the right keywords. For instance, if you're a web developer that needs help, just post a twitter saying "argh..anyone know know how I can fix this bug?". Then wait and see if you get a direct message or @reply. Need work? Just post a note about what you do and what you're after, and you never know who'll get in contact. There's some really interesting, helpful and talented people out there. Tap in - it's great.

Sigh Of Relief - President Obama

Could you hear it? That audible sigh of relief from the world. Barack Obama will be the 44th President for the United States of America. YES!

I stayed up way into the early hours watching this, first watching from about 6pm on BBC News and then onto the BBC later on. I finally gave in when the Ohio results came in and then checked early this morning to confrirm.

I think it is important that Obama has black heritage, because for some people it seemed utterly impossible just 50 years ago. It's such an amazing cultural change and acceptance. Seeing the tears on Jessi Jackson's face was quite moving, it also confirms for a lot of black people that have felt that their opportunities have been limited that they can reach for the sky and achieve if they work hard enough. I think that's really important.

But from a non-race perspective I felt this was so important in so many ways. He really does seem to have a different approach, a different, more considered tact. I just feel somehow he's safer than the bomb-and-ask-questions-later administration that we've had for the past 8 years. I don't deny that Bush had a difficult first term, given the events of 9/11. I just have so much more confidence in Obama, especially given his thoughts on accessible healthcare and building the economy from the bottom up. In some ways I feel like the stability of the world rests a lot on who is in the White House. I followed the presidential and vice-presidential debates, and he came across as so measured, considered, cool and collected, informed, stable and inspiring. And quite frankly the thought of Palin being so close to the top position was frightening. Drill, baby, drill indeed.

I really hope this is the dawn of a new era, where the US isn't so isolationist (funny really, when you consider where their troops are), where the communication lines are opened up again, where they're more open to ways of tackling climate change. From the news footage it's almost like the world is breathing a sigh of relief today. I'm very, very happy with the results. I don't think Obama will live up completely to the expectations, he's taking on a mess of an economy, wars on two fronts etc etc. BUT I do think he's going to be good for America. They say to watch his first 100 days in office, they'll be crucial.

Christmas Always Comes Too Early

I posted on the Smallest Smallholding about how I have been 'treated' to my first Christmas advertisement on television. no, nO, NO!

I can't take it this early. It just feels so perverted and WRONG. The leaves are yet to fall from the trees, we haven't even finished savouring the veggie and flower delights of summer, and I think I'm right in saying that we still haven't had our first proper ground frost. It just feels so wrong.

Of course, there are people that like to start shopping now. I can understand that; you need to spread the spending out a bit. But in my family, we've taken to doing what we call the £5 Christmas. The idea is that you spend a maximum of £5 per person, if at all possible. This makes you really think about how you're going to spend that money, to put towards a really well-thought out present. My family isclose, my cousin is akin to a best friend and I know my other cousins really well. My aunt lives around the corner, and up until this year, Nannie was next door to her and closeby too. So we know each other pretty well, which makes choosing a present somewhat easier. I don't like to give someone something mass-produced and throwaway (although, I have no doubt they would be thankful to be receiving a present in the first place, gosh, sounds a bit pious doesn't it?).

But my point is that I don't need months and months to save up and then go for this extraordinarily, scary spending spree come December. Yes, I have to save up a bit and do some planning, but Christmas doesn't become this massive consumerist shopping frenzy where you have to buy the biggest, the best to show someone how much you like or love them. OK, I'm not beating down those that do like to make big gestures, fair enough, it's your entitlement. But I get the feeling that everyone sweeps everybody else along in this strange gift-buying chaos. Are we always stopping to think exactly why we're doing it? Is it a habitual tradition? Are we knowingly or unknowingly egged on by the supermarkets and corporations? I don't know.

I love the 'holiday feeling'. I get the whole thing about having a break and letting your hair down. But why go so crazy? Why not make it into a relaxed, enjoyable experience. I see so many people fretting, getting themselves into debt, muttering "I hate Christmas", looking harrassed as they fight for that last must-have-it toy on the shelf. It's just plain weird.

So for this reason, I try and avoid Consumerist Christmas until at least December. Yes, I enjoy putting up the tree, I enjoy making my own decorations, I enjoy wrapping presents (trying to be as environmentally friendly and making my own, reusing where possible!) and I enjoy thinking up gift ideas. I love sending and receiving Christmas cards. I love eating Christmas lunch. I love drinking mulled wine and snacking on mince pies. I just hate the crowds and this strange sensation that people are so compelled to go mad and do things in a certain way.

It baffles me every year.